Viola Jokes
by Agent LastWish
Summary: DiNozzo's boredom leads to a google search for "viola jokes". Hilarity ensues. One-shot!


This story is inspired by a series of viola jokes my sister (who is a violist herself) told me. This story contains some of the jokes she told me, and if viola jokes offend you, I apologize, I hadn't meant to offend, I just wanted to write something funny.

Also, the fact that McGee is a violist is a reference to my other story _In Tune_

DISCLAIMER: I do not own NCIS.

* * *

It was a very dull day at NCIS headquarters. Having just put away another criminal, the members of Team Gibbs were now faced with an onslaught of paperwork. Ziva was pushing through her paperwork, determined not to have to take any home that night. Across from her, Tony was very clearly NOT enjoying his work, complaining every few moments about getting a papercut, or how much paperwork sucked, or how much his paper cut hurt.

"Ziva! I got another papercut!" DiNozzo whined, sounding childish.

Ziva didn't ever bother to look up. She was much do distracted by her work "Good for you," She mumbled, her words slurred with distraction.

Tony stuck out his lower lip and narrowed his eyes, frowning, clearly unhappy by Ziva's lack of attention. "But Zivaaaaa it hurrrts," He whined even louder. He had been doing this for quite some time, and clearly, it was beginning to get on Ziva's nerves.

The former Mossad agent stood up, slamming her fists down on the desk, a fiery look in her eyes. "You speak one more word about your paper cut and I am going to slit your throat with a piece of paper," She snapped, before sitting back down, to continue on her work.

Tony was used to her outbursts and didn't even flinch. He huffed and crossed his arms, leaning back in his chair. What to do, what to do…

And then he noticed McGee.

The young agent wasn't working on his paperwork like a good boy; he was looking intently at his computer screen, and from the look on his face, he looked like he was studying for the world's most impossible test. He was focused, yes he was focusing very hard.

But not on his paperwork.

Tony knew what McGee was stressing about: The Autumn Leaves Concert. And although to DiNozzo, the name made it sounded like one of those concerts performed by elementary schools where the first, second and third graders all get up on the risers and sing short, shrill, out of tune songs, according to McGee it was a _really _big deal. And it was tonight. It was an orchestra concert, and McViolist was concerned because one of the violists, Becky, had to drop out two weeks ago because she broke her arm wrestling pigs or something… and now McGee was going to have fill in for her spot in the quartet, which meant he'd be playing in _two _quartets, and he only had two weeks to learn the second set of quartet music, and he hadn't had time to practice and-

Oh, how did Tony know all this? McGee had butt-dialed him. Oh boy. It was ridiculous how much dirt Tony had on the Probie because of all his butt-dialing. McGee seriously needed a new phone. Little known fact: McGee's most secret fantasy is to live in a house made entirely of Nutter-Butter.

Tony's bored expression turned into a smirk, as he quickly began to google an unknown subject. After several minutes of silence, Tony finally spoke up.

"Hey McGee?" He asked.

"Hm?" Came Tim's distracted response.

"Why do violists stand outside their homes for long periods of time?"

McGee looked up, confused. It sounded like a real question. And it very much confused him. "What?" He asked.

Tony's confused expression suddenly flip-flopped into a smirk and he could barely contain his laughter as he spoke: "Because they don't have a key and they don't know when to come in!" He explained with a laugh.

Ziva looked up from her work. "Huh?" She asked, clearly not getting it.

McGee shook his head, looking faintly amused. "Oh, I get it. It's a viola joke,"

"I do not understand…" Ziva cocked her head to one side.

"You know how there are different keys in music?" McGee asked. Ziva nodded. "Well, viola's have a special key called the Viola Clef. It's sort of in between the Bass Clef and the Treble Clef," He explained.

"Oh I get it!" Ziva exclaimed snapping her fingers.

McGee nodded and returned to his work (which was actually just looking over and trying to memorize the piece he was going to play in the second quartet).

Tony looked up again with a quizzical expression on his face. "How do you make a violin sound like a viola?" He asked.

Tim knew what was coming. "How?"

"Sit in the back and don't play,"  
Ziva burst out laughing. "You just got seared, McGee,"

"I believe the term you are looking for is: burned. And yes, yes he did," Tony said with a nod.

A smile crossed Tony's face. "Hey Ziva?"

"Yes, Tony?" Ziva asked, smiling also.

"How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?" He asked

"I do not know. How do you keep your violin from getting stolen, Tony?"

"Put it in a violin case,"

That joke earned a snicker from Ziva but no response from McGee.

"What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone's happy when the case is closed," Tony said, snickering. "Aw, not even a snort? We'll just have to try again," Tony concluded and scrolled through the page for more Viola jokes until he found one he liked. "What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?"  
"This is one I would like to hear," Ducky said, as he stepped out of the elevator.

Tony turned to look at Ducky and smiled. "The viola has the dead person on the outside!" He exclaimed.

Ducky chuckled a little. "That's very clever, Anthony. I assume you are not hurting young Timothy's feelings are you?" He asked.

McGee looked up and shook his head. "No, no, their fine," He said with a smile.

Ducky nodded. "Do any of you know where Jethro is?" He asked.

"He is up in M-TAC," Ziva said.

"Ah yes. Well send him downstairs when he's done," Ducky said. He headed off for the elevator. And when it opened, Abby stepped out. "Hello Abigale," Ducky smiled at the Goth.

"Hi Ducky!" She said happily. "Bye, Ducky!" She skipped over to Bull Pen.

"Hey Abs, what are you doing up here?" McGee asked happily.

"Just come to hang out with my friends! My lab is so boring when there's no case to work on," She said with a huff.

Then Tony piped up. "Here's a good one! Hey, McGee, how do you get a dozen violins to play in tune? Shoot 11 of 'em,"

Abby's jaw dropped and she laughed. "Ooh, are you telling Viola jokes?" She asked when her laughter finally calmed.

Tony and Ziva nodded with a smile. "Unfortunately…" McGee groaned.

"Hey, I've got a great one!" Abby exclaimed. "A violist in an orchestra was crying and screaming at the oboe player sitting directly behind him. The conductor asked, "What are you so upset about?"The violist replied, "The oboist reached over and turned one of the pegs on my viola and now it's all out of tune!" The conductor asked, "Don't you think you're overreacting?" The violist replied, "I'm not overreacting! He won't tell me which one he turned!'"

Tony and Ziva burst out laughing, and McGee smiled.

Suddenly, Tony's face totally lit up. "This one's great! What's the difference between the first and last chair in the viola section?"

"What?" Abby asked with a smile, trying to sneak a peek off his computer.

"Half a measure,"

And McGee couldn't help but to laugh. He shook his head. "Alright. I've got a couple I heard in Orchestra. You wanna hear 'em?" He asked.

"Ooh! Of course!" Abby exclaimed.

"Alright. A violist came home and found his house burned to the ground. When he asked what happened, the police told him "Well, apparently the conductor came to your house, and ..." The violist's eyes lit up and he interrupted excitedly, "The conductor? Came to my house?'"

"McGee that's hilarious!" Tony exclaimed. Glancing back down at his computer he saw one that made him laugh. "Here's a good one! One day Timmy came home from school very excited. "Mommy, Mommy, Guess what? Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around 'P'!"

His mother said, "Very good, dear. That's because you're a violist."

The next day, Timmy was even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!"

"Very good, dear," his mother replied. "That's because you're a violist."

On the third day, Timmy was beside himself. "Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I'm the tallest one in my class! Is that because I'm a violist?"

"No dear," she said. "That's because you're 26 years old."

McGee shook his head. "I think they should change "Timmy" to "Tony"" He scoffed.

AGENT LASTWISH: VIOLA JOKES

The concert that night, went amazingly. Everybody came! The second quartet that McGee had been so stressed out about, went better than he could have ever imagined. The orchestra even got a standing ovation.

At the end of the concert, everyone filed out into the foyer for refreshments. McGee was standing by the refreshments table talking to a very pretty girl, when out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tony and Ziva and Abby.

"I'll be right back!" McGee said quickly, to the girl. He scurried off towards his friends.

They all congratulated him, amazed with his amazing performance. McGee was on cloud nine. But before turning back to go talk to the girl again, he turned to Tony. "Hey, Tony, what's the difference between a violist and a federal agent?" He asked.

Tony shrugged. "I dunno,"

"The violist has a hot date tonight,"


End file.
